I spent years yearning to be a mother. At the same time, I was torn between that dream and my fears about what motherhood would look like alongside chronic illness.

I knew my limitations even before I became pregnant, and I wondered whether wanting a child would be selfish. Would I have enough energy? Would I be able to give my children everything they needed? How would I cope on the days when my body simply wouldn’t cooperate? Would I be asking too much of those around me? These are the kinds of questions you ask yourself when you live with unpredictable health conditions.

There were practical worries too. I wasn’t on the housing ladder. I didn’t have the financial security I wanted before becoming a parent, and I worried about whether I could provide my children with a stable home and a secure future. I knew obviously that love matters enormously, but I also know that love won’t pay the rent or mortgage, restore my health , or guarantee that I would always be able to do what motherhood demanded.

Eventually, I realised that waiting for every uncertainty to disappear might mean never becoming a mother at all. My health issues were not going to magically resolve themselves, and biology wasn’t going to wait for the perfect circumstances.

I had to trust in my ability to learn what I needed to learn and find ways to make family life work within the reality of my health. People accomplish remarkable things in extraordinarily difficult circumstances. I began to believe that I could still be a wonderful mother, even if my world wasn’t perfect.

How I found Montessori

When I became pregnant with my daughter, some of my fears shifted from whether I should become a mother to how I was actually going to parent.

I wanted to understand a bit about child development. I wanted to know what children were capable of at different ages, what I could do to support that development and how I could build a cooperative relationship with my child rather than spending our days locked in unnecessary power struggles.

More than anything, I wanted a roadmap.

I began reading about different approaches to parenting and early childhood education and discovered Montessori. The more I read, the more it resonated with me.

One of the things I loved immediately was the enormous respect Maria Montessori had for children. Rather than seeing them as helpless people who need adults to do everything for them, she recognised just how capable they can be when give them the right environment, enough time and opportunities to practice.

That idea was incredibly reassuring to me as someone entering motherhood already knowing there would be days when my physical capacity was limited.

The method didn’t promise parenting would be easy. But it gave me a framework: ways to prepare our home, encourage independence, involve my children in everyday life, understand their development and think differently about my role as a parent.

How Montessori has helped me parent with chronic illness

1. Montessori gave me a roadmap – Many of my pregnant peers were swatting up on how best to birth their child. In contrast, I spent most of my pregnancy reading up on what to do when my baby actually arrived. I wanted guidance. i wanted to understand what children were capable of at different stages, what activities I could introduce, how I could set up our home and how I could build a positive and cooperative relationship with my child. Books and online resources gave me a clear framework to follow at each age, without me having to figure out everything from scratch.
2. It showed me how capable children can be – One of the things I love about Montessori is the respect it has for the capabilities of young people. Rather than doing everything for them, we can slow down, show them how to do things and give them sufficient opportunities to practice. There is an emphasis on real practical life skills such as dressing, preparing food, cleaning and carrying their own things. My health made me appreciate the value of this even more, though the pride the children feel in their independence is a joy to see.
3. Preparing our environment has made family life easier – Before I became a parent, I thought a lot about how I would cope physically. The use of low, open-shelves in Montessori means young children can retrieve and return their own activities, meaning they don’t need an adult every time they want something. This makes life easier on days when I need to rest more, but they can still bring things over to me for us to enjoy together. I also rotate the toys and books on our shelves each week. I originally started doing this to make our collection more manageable and ensure the children actually had time to enjoy what we already owned. Unexpectedly, it has become something quite special. My daughter visits her grandparents once a week, and I usually change the shelf while she is away. She now looks forward to coming home and discovering what has appeared. In trying to reduce my own workload, I accidentally created a special weekly ritual for her.
4. It gave me a different way to approach behaviour– I was drawn to the emphasis of an adult being a guide rather than an authoritarian leader. Predictable rhythms and routines help our family, particularly when my health is poor. It removes the need for power struggles as it is simply a ritual we follow each day. I won’t pretend I don’t have the same behaviour struggles as everyone else, but at least I have some principles I can follow and return to.
5. Fosters a love of learning and builds strong foundations – One of the main things that impressed me about Montessori was the way it approaches learning. So much of it simply makes sense to me, particularly in areas such as maths and language. Rather than expecting a young child to understand abstract ideas straight away, Montessori makes them concrete. Children can see, touch and manipulate materials as they start to understand concepts like quantity and number. My daughter was very interested in words from a very young age. I capitalised on that and she enjoyed learning the sounds and sandpaper letters at 2 years old. I genuinely believe these experiences lay strong foundations for academic learning later on.

Montessori isn’t a magic solution

I don’t want to give the impression that following Montessori principles has somehow given me perfectly independent children or a permanently calm home. It hasn’t.

My children still have difficult days, and so do I. There have been periods when their independence has gone backwards, our routines have fallen apart or my health has meant that I’ve simply had to do whatever gets us through the day.

What Montessori has given me is a framework I can return to. I can look at the environment, think about what my children might be communicating through their behaviour, consider what they are capable of doing for themselves and try to respond with respect.

I don’t always get it right. But I no longer believe that being a good mother requires me to have unlimited energy or to do everything for my children.

Our family life isn’t perfect. It doesn’t need to be.